mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
