Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
