my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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