My liver just broke up with me...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
