I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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