You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
