big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
