Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
