So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
