i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
