nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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