She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
