i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
