I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
