so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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