she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
