Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
