I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we're making bets on your personal life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
