I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
