Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
