Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
