quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
God, I missed his penis.
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