he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
