I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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