I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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