our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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