sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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