people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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