I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
