Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
