mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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