nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
