Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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