How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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