Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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