i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
