im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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