i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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