I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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