He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
not ubering you a puppy
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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