i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
