omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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