the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
