jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
