the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
