You're so nebulous sometimes
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
