I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
