He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
