she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
