my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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