Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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