I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
