I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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