so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
