it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
