My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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