Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
