I think I am morally bankrupt
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
