The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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