Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
