I want to have your abortion
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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