you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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