Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
