omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
