Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
