i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
