I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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