Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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