I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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