Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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